Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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