I faked an abortion last night.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize