don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
