it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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