My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
