tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
