i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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