Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
