we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize