Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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