Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
