Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
