ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
