The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
