you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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