Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
You did what with his pubic hair?
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