Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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