I used to have a blog that was basically all about ****** and all of his sexual misadventures
I mean it made tucker max look like a fucking alterboy
But unfortunatley his mom did a google search and found it
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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