Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
