I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
