Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize