I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
