I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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