my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
