Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
