I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
The air was thick with penises
What drink are we having for lunch?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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