Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
