Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
it's great music for shaving your balls
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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