i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
