I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
