how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Redeem this text for a blowjob
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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