its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
