I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
