i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
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