my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
