There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Two words: blizzard sex
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
