FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize