I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
