first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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