On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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