I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
