I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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