i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
