He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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