Who wears a wallet chain?!
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
