i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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