I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize