you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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