I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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