If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Randomize
