this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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