Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize