Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
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