Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
