Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
