everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Randomize
