New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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