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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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