I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
