My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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