I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
